Other people got they problems right now in America.
What's the other big issue in America right now?
Should gays be allowed to marry?
The beautiful thing about the gay marriage issue
is it's the absolute only issue the President will answer.
The President don't give a fuck, he will give you a straight answer on gay marriage.
"Mr President, when's the war gonna end?"
"Well, we're talking to people, we're looking for stuff, it's out there,
"you never know how it's gonna end."
"Mr President, when's the economy gonna pick up?"
"Well, we're talking to people,
"and economic indicators indicate that indications are coming to the indicator."
"Mr President, what about gay marriage?"
"Fuck them faggots."
Damn, that's some harsh shit.
People always say, we can't have gay marriage
cos marriage is a sacred institution that happens in the church. It's sacred!
No, it's not. Marriage ain't sacred. Not in America.
Not in the country that watches Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire?
And The Bachelorette and Who Wants To Marry A Midget?
Get the fuck outta here.
Shit. Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.
Get the fuck outta here. Michael Jackson got married. How fucking sacred is that shit?
But I'm married. It's a beautiful thing, man.
And I don't cheat.
I don't. No.
Not because I'm a great husband,
just cos I'm tired of getting caught.
Gotta put the girls in the mistress protection programme.
From now on your name is Carol.
If anybody calls you Lisa, ignore 'em.
OK, Lisa? "OK."
Bitch, you gonna get us killed!
The fuck is wrong with you?
You won't last five minutes on the streets.
Now I don't cheat, man.
Another big reason I don't cheat is cos I never meet any girls that wanna fuck me.
I'm just not that celebrity. I don't bring it out of them.
Women see Denzel Washington, they go, "I'm gonna fuck him."
They start kicking off shoes soon as they see his ass.
Women see me,
occasionally they wanna fuck me,
but when women wanna fuck me, they get real practical about it.
They go, "You know what? I bet you if I fucked Chris Rock,
"I could get him to pay my Visa bill."
I have paid so many college loans in my day.
I have put more girls through school than the United Negro College Fund.
Shit, I should've had my own dorm at Howard.
"And this is the Chris Rock Cafeteria.
"Chris loves sloppy joes!"
Yes, I'm married,
and bored out of my fucking mind.
But it's a beautiful thing, a beautiful thing.
If you're in a good relationship, chances are you're bored out of your fucking mind.
All good relationships are boring.
The only exciting relationships are bad ones.
You never know what's gonna happen tomorrow in a bad relationship.
You never know when you're gonna walk in and go, "Hey, you gave me crabs!"
That's exciting.
I wonder what tomorrow's gonna bring.
And those are the choices you got in life.
You can be married and bored or single and Ionely.
Ain't no happiness nowhere.
Married and bored or single and Ionely.
That's right. Marriage is some boring-ass shit.
Once you get married, you gotta hang around other married people
and that's just disgusting.
You ever go to dinner with six neutered adults?
A bunch of women talking about Diaper Genies and hair colouring.
"You know, if you leave it in too long it stings." Shut the fuck up.
A bunch of men talking about barbecue grills and routes to work.
"Sometimes I take the highway but if it's backed up, I got some side streets
"that get me there in half the time. Check it out.
"L-95 is clear sometimes..." Shut the fuck up!
I hate married people.
It's fucking disgusting.
If you go to eat dinner with single people,
single people eat for an hour and 30 minutes and leave,
cos they got fucking to do.
Married people close down a restaurant.
They start ordering coffee and dessert.
Start talking to the architect. "I like the thing you put right there."
Start talking to the cook. "What's in the tea?"
"Water, bitch!
"Hurry up, we got a lot of not fucking to do.
"If you hurry up, we can not fuck all night."
I hate married fucking people, man.
And, fellas, once you get married, you become your wife's pet. You become a fucking pet.
Cos women like to get they husbands together that don't even know each other,
and have like a grown man play date.
Put you in a room with some other married motherfucker
and go, "He likes baseball just like you."
And you're in some room with some fucking stranger going, "I like baseball."
"I like baseball too. Yeah."
"Yeah, baseball, good." "Yeah."
"Honey, who the fuck is this?
"Get me the fuck out of here, I don't need no new friends.
"If you wanna help me out, introduce me to a girl."
I hate married people, man.
Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring a single crackhead.
Just to spicen up the activities.
Come on, tell us some of your cracky tales, please.
Married and bored, single and Ionely.
The problem with relationships, people want too much.
Everybody's looking for a soul mate.
"We're soul mates, we're one, we're soul mates.
"I'm a Pisces, he's Aquarius, we're perfect. We're soul mates, it's incredible.
"His moon is my star and it's a soul mate.
"We complete each other and finish each other's sentences.
"The other day I said, 'Honey, it's gonna rain,' and he said rain too!
"It's amazing! It's like we're telekinesic, we're telekinesic.
"It's incredible, my God."
Nobody gets a soul mate. It don't happen.
Nobody. Not even James Brown, the godfather of soul,
he don't even get a soul mate,
as we all saw a couple of weeks ago.
James Brown looking like Nick Nolte.
Like, he put the good foot in her ass.
Nobody gets a soul mate.
All you gonna get in life if you lucky is a mate.
Just a mate.
Somebody you fuck, go to movies with.
You fuck, go to another movie.
You fuck, go to a comedy show.
You fuck, go to your grandmomma's house.
You fuck, go to your momma's house. You fuck, go see another movie.
Somewhere in between fucking and movies, he goes, "Wanna get something to eat?"
That's all relationships are, they ain't that complicated. It's fucking and eating.
If you don't like fucking somebody
and you don't like eating with them, y'all don't need to be together.
And the longer you're with somebody, it's more eating and less fucking.
You don't remember the last time you fucked
but you know you had rice and beans on Wednesday.
You're never gonna get a soul mate, the perfect person.
You're never gonna meet somebody that loves Seinfeld and the Wu Tang Clan.
It ain't happening.
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be the perfect time.
You're married, they're single.
That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian.
You're Mexican, they're a raccoon.
You're a black woman, he's a black man.
There's always a obstacle in the way.
You're never gonna meet the perfect person, it's never gonna happen, OK?
Every now and then, God likes to play practical jokes on people.
God will send you on a double date with the perfect couple.
You ever been out with the perfect couple?
Ever made the mistake of going on a double date with a couple that's actually in love?
You in the middle of your bullshit relationship.
And you sit down with two people that's in love.
You can't even eat your food cos you can't believe what the fuck you are witnessing.
You got a fork in your hand, you're like, "Oh, shit.
"He's really listening to what she's got to say.
"They really like being around each other.
"Man, we can't hang with them no more. They gonna break us up!"
"Can't let these happy motherfuckers fuck up my life. No way!"
See, the thing is, men, we are ill-prepared when it comes to relationships.
We are ill-prepared. That's right.
You would think by now women would rule the world.
You would think women would rule the world. But they don't!
They don't. You know why?
Cos women hate women.
Women hate women.
You do.
You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for 25 years,
you put a man in between them, "Fuck that bitch."
Women hate women.
Guys are not like that. Guys actually think there's other fish in the sea.
If a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend,
when they walk away, his boy goes, "Man, she's nice. I gotta get me a girl like that."
If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend,
when they walk away, her girlfriend goes,
"I gotta get him.
"And I will slit that bitch's throat to do it."
Shit, every woman in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around they man.
A good girlfriend too. "I'll go shopping with her
"but I ain't gonna leave that bitch with my man for five minutes."
I remember one time, one time I was in a restaurant,
me, my wife, her girlfriend.
My wife said, "I'm going to the bathroom." I say, "OK, I'll see you when you get back."
She said, "No, you coming with me."
And she made me come with her.
And she did the right thing cos I'd have fucked the girl.
I'd have fucked her on the quesadilla, I don't give a fuck.
Nah, man. But one thing I learned, man,
once you get married, fellas, women wanna be responsible for all your happiness.
All your happiness. You got that?
Not some of it. All of it.
Fellas, you ever have your woman catch you jerking off?
Ever have your woman catch you jerking off?
Did she get mad at you, even though she wasn't thinking about fucking you?
Here's the real deal, she ain't mad you was jerking off.
She's mad you was making yourself happy.
"How dare you make yourself fucking happy?
"I'm in charge of happiness in this house. You'll be miserable till I fucking say so.
"Take your hands out yo pockets!"
Another thing with women, one thing about women,
women hate for you to expect anything.
Don't expect shit.
A woman can cook for you every day for five years.
Every day food is on the table,
every day at 7:49, every day.
The day you come home, there ain't no food,
and you ask nicely, "Honey, where's the food?"
"What am I, your fuckin' maid?
"You need to learn how to cook for yourself, you stupid motherfucker."
So, fellas, in order to avoid this,
what you gotta do is act super-nice every time she does anything.
No matter how little it is, make a big deal out of it.
If she pour you some water, you gotta go, "Wow, water!
"Get outta here. You're incredible! You're so smart!"
She fucking folds a napkin. "Wow, look at that! You're incredible."
You gotta treat 'em like retarded kids, OK?
Man. That's right.
Married and bored, single and Ionely.
That's right, guys. Here's the thing - when you're married, you wanna kill your spouse.
When you're single, you wanna kill yourself.
Better her than me.
Anybody in this room that's ever been in love will testify to this shit.
If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love.
If you haven't seriously thought about killing the motherfucker,
you ain't been in love.
If you haven't had a can of rat poison in your hand
and looked at it for 45 minutes straight, you ain't been in love.
If you haven't bought a shovel and a bag
and a rug to roll they ass up in, you ain't been in love.
If you haven't practised your alibi in front of the mirror...
you ain't been in love.
The only thing that stopped you from killing this motherfucker
was an episode of CSI.
Man, they thorough.
I'd better make up, they might catch my ass.
That's right, man. See, relationships are hard.
But in order for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page.
Both people have to have the same focus.
And we all know what that page is, what that focus is.
In order for the relationship to work, both people have to have the same focus,
and the focus is all about her.
It's all about her.
She's already there, fellas, she's waiting for you to come aboard.
Fellas, when you wake up in the morning,
you should look yourself in the mirror and say, "Fuck you.
"Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans,
"fuck everything you thought this life was gonna bring you.
"Now let's go out there and try and make this bitch happy."
Yes.
It's all about her, fellas.
Say yes to everything.
Everything. Everything you can afford, say yes to.
Just say yes. Before she even gets it out of her fucking mouth.
"Honey, can..." Yes. "Honey, I..." Yes.
Just get a stamp. Yes.
Another thing, fellas - don't argue.
You cannot win.
You cannot beat a woman in an argument, it's impossible.
You will not win, cos men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing
cos we have a need to make sense.
Women ain't gonna let a little thing like sense fuck up they argument.
Cos she not in it for sense, she's in it for distance and irritation.
"How long can I talk before this motherfucker snaps?"
They want you to shake the shit out of them till you hear the cops coming.
"Motherfucker, I'm serious!
"Oh, shit, let me get the fuck outta here."
That's right. And like I said, try your best to make her happy.
Try your best. But here's one thing nobody tells you.
You can't make a woman happy.
It's impossible.
I've never met a happy woman in my life.
Women are always complaining about something.
Women like to complain, women save up shit to complain about.
"He don't even know I know but I'm gonna get his ass on that shit next month."
They like fucking complaining. They love it.
No matter what you do, she'll be mad.
You can fuck a woman with a diamond dick and make her come ten times,
she'll still complain.
"Why'd you make me come so hard?
"This diamond dick is cloudy.
"Why didn't you go to Tiffany's? You're so fucking cheap."
No matter what you do, your woman is mad at you.
If you work all the time, "Why you work all the time? You ain't never home.
"You always leavin' me. I hate this shit."
If you home all the time, "Why you all up under me?
"Let me get some fucking room to breathe.
"Damn, stop sweatin' me. I hate this shit."
If you make more money than her. "Fuck you. I wanna make decisions too.
"You ain't my fucking daddy, I don't need you to take care of me.
"I hate this shit."
If she makes more money than you,
"You broke motherfucker.
"You never have no fucking money. Fuck this shit.
"I don't wanna make all these decisions. I need to be taken care of.
"I hate this shit. I can't take it."
And the number one reason your woman's always mad, fellas,
the number one reason your woman is pissed the fuck off...
cos you ain't her first choice.
Fellas, you ever catch your woman just looking at you
but not saying nothing?
In her mind, she's thinking, "How did I end up with this ugly motherfucker?
"Lord, this motherfucker's ugly and stupid.
"I had a good man and I blew it.
"Damn, Lord, kill my man. Kill him, please.
"Kill him while I still look good enough to get something new.
"Please kill this motherfucker now. Strike him!
"If you out there, Lord, strike this motherfucker dead."
Nothing gets you ready for marriage, man.
Nothing. Nobody. Nothing gets you ready for marriage.
Nobody tells you that once you get married, you will never fuck again.
If you like fucking, marriage ain't for you.
Shit, I haven't fucked in seven years.
I've had intercourse.
Intercourse is when she gets out of the shower on the nice sheets.
Fucking's in the back of a rental car
when your woman's going, "Come on, get some!"
Nobody gets you ready for that shit.
Nobody tells you that once you get married, you will never get pussy again.
If you like pussy, marriage ain't for you.
I haven't had pussy in seven years.
I've had vagina.
I hate vagina.
I came out of a vagina.
As soon as I got out, I said, "Man, I got to get me some pussy."
See, they don't prepare you. They don't tell you married women don't have pussies.
Married women have vaginas.
If you go to a wedding and the woman's throwing the bouquet,
she ain't throwing the bouquet, she's throwing the pussy.
"I won't be needin' this no more."
And the woman that catches it is gonna get married
cos now she got two pussies.
You gotta marry the two-pussy girl.
But it ain't just men that lose out on marriage. Women, you lose out too.
Women, once you get married, he will never lick your pussy again.
Pussy, vagina, whatever the fuck you wanna call it. He will never lick it again.
I see some married women with tears in they eyes right now.
He will never lick your pussy again.
Forever ever. "Forever ever?" Forever ever.
He will never lick your pussy again.
That's right. Don't get me wrong,
he'll give it one coat.
But he ain't gonna put the finish on it like he used to.
He used to put a spit-shine on your pussy.
You had to put on shades just to look at your pussy.
Put a little sticker next to your pussy -
"objects in pussy may appear closer than they actually are."
Nobody gets you ready for this shit.
That's right, fellas, once you get married, no more blow jobs.
If you like blow jobs, marriage ain't for you.
I haven't had a blow job in seven years.
I've had fellatio.
When you're single, you get the best blow jobs in the world,
8, 12, 15 minutes straight
like the girl's auditioning on your dick, like she's giving your dick a second opinion,
like she's going for her scuba licence.
You get married, every married man I know gets the same lazy-ass blow job.
It's like three licks.
"Is it hard? Put it in. I gotta fold these clothes."
What kind of lazy-ass blow job is this shit?
If we was at a restaurant I would send it back.
Waiter, this blow job ain't ready yet.
Yo, marriage is tough, man. Marriage is real fucking tough.
Marriage is so tough, Nelson Mandela got a divorce.
Nelson Mandela got a fucking divorce.
Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in a South African prison,
got beaten and tortured every day for 27 years,
and did it with no fucking problems.
Made to do hard labour in 100-degree South African heat
for 27 years, and did it with no problems.
He got out of jail, after 27 years of torture,
spent six months with his wife and said,
"I can't take this shit no more!"
I'm outta here. Y'all take care.
Thank you!
Best show ever. It was hilarious.
Once you get married, life is over.
No more blow jobs! I'm telling you, don't get married.
I'll come and see him again.
My dimples hurt, I laughed so hard. See?
I just pissed on myself.
What a great show!
That was great. I really enjoyed it, it was wonderful. Great show.
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